I swear, Blake has grown up more in the past week than even seems possible.
I feel like he is taller, smarter, funnier and brattier than he was just a few days ago...and as much as I love it is as much as I hate it.
I sat down on the couch just to watch him in all of his silly glory and I had this familiar knot in my stomach. It's the same knot every time. It's not a tear jerker, it's not the result of something awful I tried to make for dinner and it's not the knot that I get when I realize that I forgot to do something really important.
It is the knot that pops up out of nowhere when something makes me stop for a second and realize how very fast time flies by.
It is usually something relatively small that makes me stop...like dancing to the song of a video game and finding it hilarious. The times that twist my gut the most tend to come from moments that are seemingly insignificant at the time.
After he tired himself out, Blake hopped up on my lap for a three minute snuggle and it was at that moment that I started to really think. Thankfully both of my boys are still young enough for a little bit if snuggle time with their mom, but someday they won't be.
This wasn't one of those "I just had a baby and my hormones are raging" moments.
No, I was not sitting there cuddling the little guy and crying about his first day of school, his first girlfriend, college, his wedding, his own kids. I promise you I didn't go that kind of crazy...this time.
This one made me stop to think of how all of what I know right now will someday soon transition into whatever is next without any of us really even realizing it.
It happens all of the time.
To everyone.
I get it.
But it was a little bittersweet when I stopped realize that as much as we celebrate all of the firsts, we don't really get to ever embrace the last of any of it.
They just grow up so. damn. fast.
It is such a big deal when they start being able to move around by themselves. Whether they are scooting or army crawling or if they just skip over both and go straight to walking (wasn't prepared for that one, Ben), we get so excited about this great big accomplishment. Little do you know that the last time you plop them down in the middle of the living room floor while you ran to change a load of laundry and maybe grab a cup of coffee since you didn't have to worry about them being anywhere other than where you left then was the very last time you would be able to do that.
Then they start saying words. And you remember the first words they say, and the first time they intentionally call you mommy or mama, and the first time they say their little version of I love you. But as soon as it comes, the little baby in their baby voice also goes. They start saying words more clearly and people other than you start understanding them and suddenly you don't have to translate for them anymore because they are actually just tiny little people with (sometimes way too many) words of their own.
We have this little piano in our entryway (not because we are fancy, more because we haven't carried it down to the basement yet), and Blake always runs around the corner and and randomly beats the crap out of that piano and yells at the top of his lungs. He is often standing on the stool and not wearing pants...and someday, he will put on some pants and stop playing those "songs" and I will not have realized that the last "song" he interrupted everything in the house with was his last piano induced interruption.
What about training wheels. Of course you remember teaching your kid how to ride their bike without trainig wheels. Well, I assume you remember that...we weren't quite there at the end of last summer, so I can't say that one with expertise, but I remember my mom and dad teaching me to ride my purple bike with pink tires without those uneven training wheels so I have a feeling they remember too. You know what I don't remember?
The last time I actually needed the training wheels.
Back it up a little bit.
How about potty training. Don't get me wrong here, there is nothing like the joy that goes along with not having to buy those diapers for your otherwise extremely self sufficient kid anymore. And not that wiping the butt of said kid is something you love, but at one point you change the very last diaper...and you don't even realize that it was the last time they need you for that part of their life anymore. Sure there is a LOT of joy that comes along with not having to spend the ridiculous amount of money on diapers any longer, but honestly, who knew it was the last time you would buy diapers when you tossed them on the conveyer belt that day?
When you don't have to give them a hug and a kiss when you drop them off at school, when you still get that hug and kiss but you get it from they car because they want to walk up on their own like the big kids, when they would rather just walk home, when their friends start driving them...
I'm sure you don't realize when you are walking them up to the door that it is the last time that you will walk them to the door...but you remember the first time you don't.
Again.
So fast.
It just goes so fast.
One of the times that Blake's little body is just totally overcome with the urge to dance to the Super Mario Bros. song will be the last time...and none of us will know and none of us will realize it.
The giggles won't come as easily forever and they won't hold my hand in the parking lot or find it hilarious to pull my hat over my eyes while I am carrying them in. They actually will probably always think that is funny, but that is not the point.
One Christmas will be the last Christmas that they believe in Santa Claus, and while I'll make sure to treasure each of the few years that we can play that role, I'll not know that it was it when it was.
You cherish the moments that you have. You have days when you can't wait until the madness ends...when you will someday get to sit down and watch a show without cleaning up at least a path to the couch first. And you have days when the volume of it all makes you sit back and smile.
You live each day for what it is...some of those days are awesome, some of those days are tough to make it to the end of.
It's a bit much to ask someone to enjoy every minute because every minute isn't enjoyable.
I'm not going to walk around treating every little thing that they do as the end of the world, the biggest accomplishment, or the last chapter of a diaper wearing era...but I am going to try to slow down a couple more minutes a week.
Because I won't know when it is the last time that I have whatever moment we are having, but I want to remember as much of each stage as I can.
Dance on, little man.
And keep playing your songs...maybe just not when I'm on the phone.
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1 comment:
Love this! Reminds me of each time I stopped breastfeeding my two kids. The first time I decided on a day and knew ahead of time that this would be the last session. It was really emotional. So, for the second child, I didn't want to do that - especially since I knew I wasn't having anymore children. Instead, I just decided one day that the last time I nursed had been the last time.
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