Even the daily goals I set for myself are so high that I rarely go to bed thinking I have done enough. And, on the off chance that I do feel like I got it all done, it is 2:30 in the morning and I get about 3 hours of sleep before my alarm goes off and Joe is yelling at me to either wake up or just stop bothering to set an alarm at all. So I get out of bed all cranky and tired, because nobody should attempt to function on as little sleep as I do, and I start out my day feeling like I have fallen behind before it even starts.
I can sit here and beat myself up over plenty of things. In fact, pointing out my weaknesses is actually one of my biggest strengths. It is easy for me to sit here and list off all of the things I wish I would have done better, been more on top of or tried harder at this year...
I power through the day with ridiculous amounts of caffeine and I stop to eat whenever I think about it and then I wonder why I feel like I am literally dying. And no, I did not just misuse the word "literally" there. Just ask my family and a few of my closest friends...I am so tired that I actually have convinced myself that I am dying (again...because I convinced myself of this last year when I was crying because it was my last Christmas).
I can sit here and beat myself up over plenty of things. In fact, pointing out my weaknesses is actually one of my biggest strengths. It is easy for me to sit here and list off all of the things I wish I would have done better, been more on top of or tried harder at this year...
In 2013, I should have been a better friend. I should have made more phone calls, set aside more coffee or dinner dates with them or even sent more emails just to say hi. I was always waiting til I had enough time to make it worth it for the friend I was calling, but I never seemed to think I had more than 5 minutes so instead I just waited until I did...and then didn't.
I should have been a better daughter, sister, granddaughter...family member in general. I should have picked up the phone more, said thank you more, made more trips.
I should have been a better wife and a better mom. I should have made dinner more often, served more than cereal and oatmeal for breakfast and attempted a healthier menu all around. I should have enjoyed movie night without a pile of laundry to fold looming over my head, and I should have enjoyed the fact that my kids wanted to play with every toy even if it meant having to clean every toy up. I should have done a lot more than I did.
I should have set aside more time to pay attention to finances, should have looked into ways to get published, should have actually done something with the 15,000+ pictures I took this year.
I should have taken my kids for more hair cuts, should have bought Joe the clippers he wanted, should have dated the artwork Ben brought home from school. I should have painted our bedroom, should have bought another bathroom rug so my kids would stop almost busting their heads open every time they get out of the bath or shower...
I should have taken more time to write and I should have taken more time to exercise...and not because I want to lose weight, but because it actually just makes me feel good. I should have stopped to take a breath, I should have been ok with dishes in the sink and I should have been proud of what I did do.
I should have actually taken up yoga as a way to clear my head and have a few moments to myself...and I should have actually realized when moments to myself were happening instead of cleaning or organizing through them. I probably should have slept a little more...and had a little more wine. I guarantee that if I have done something to upset or offend you, I feel worse about it than you do. And if you think I am good at something, I can come up with a reason that you are wrong.
For some people a New Year's resolution would be the perfect solution to that mental mess. New Year's resolutions work for some people...but not for people who set stupidly high expectations all year.
No, this year there will be no resolution for me...I definitely am going to make some adjustments where I see fit, but I'm not going to start out the new year by inevitably adding one more thing to my "Shit I Wasn't Awesome At" list just because it is a new year.
Instead, I'm just going to start out 2014 to take a moment and be proud of what I did accomplish last year. It's my way of patting me and my fellow subpar moms and dads on the back and pointing out that it's ok not to be super human.
Instead of beating myself up for 2013, I will take a minute and be proud that I was able to keep 2 kids alive this year!
That's right. 2 kids. Still alive. Still happy. And not hungry.
Who the hell cares that they had cereal 350 days of the year for breakfast? It was healthy cereal half of the time and they were happy the other half.
I'm proud that although I worked out far less than I should have, I worked out enough that even my 20 month old knows what to do with the resistance bands and weights in the basement and he has not yet dropped a weight on his tiny little foot.
Double bonus.
Ben only says swear words when he is asking if they are swear words, so I am proud to have a kid who doesn't swear AND who is kind enough to point out every single time that I do.
Thanks, little man!!
I thought about taking up yoga enough times last year that I might actually do it this year! Just the thought of that possibility takes me down a couple of notches on the anxiety scale...so it's totally working already.
I broke enough dishes in the move that there were far less dishes in the sink at the end of the year than there were at the beginning of the year, and I realized halfway through the year that if I just buy more sippy cups I have to worry about it all even less! Who cares that they are $8 a piece? Money can buy happiness, and a few times in 2013, it did!
No, our bedroom didn't get painted last year, but the basement, toy room and the boys' room did...and let's face it, I see those room exponentially more than our room, so who even cares?
Let's see...what else was I awesome at this year?
On the last day of the year I had beer and lunch with a really fabulous friend, which reminded how much better I truly want to be at carving out time away from the daily grind to see or even just chat with the people who were so important to me way before life got so crazy! It also reminded me how funny my friends and I are. Really...we are funny people.
I made people laugh or just gave them something to relate to with my blog. No, I didn't write as much as I should have, but this is about what I didn't suck at, so I'll be happy that the few times I did write last year, I didn't suck at it! Here's to hoping I don't suck at writing a few more times this year!!
I may not have done much with those 15,000+ pictures I took, but I did hang up a bunch of frames. So really, I just set myself up to succeed without even trying!
And finally, I'll be proud of the fact that when I make myself stop thinking of all of the things I didn't do (which is seriously hard for me), all I am left with is all of the awesome things we did.
And as mushy as it is, I'm reminded of how much better I am because of these 3...
And they are happy to have me around too!!
Here's to a 2014 that is full of whatever it is full of! Let's hope for the best...but not set those hopes too high, because honestly the most memorable moments typically happen when we aren't trying too hard for them anyway.
Here's to not being able to do it all.
And trying to be sort of okay with that...sometimes!
Happy 2014!
And please don't forget to share this post on with the buttons below!
No comments:
Post a Comment