Parenting is tough. Even during the fun stuff, it is tough. It is the most rewarding thing you could ever imagine and while it is too much of an awesome thing to call a job, it's a full time gig. It's a constant stream of thoughts, a puddle of tears, a room full of laughter...it is everything and it is always and it is what you do even when it's not what you are physically doing at the moment.
You live it and love it and struggle the struggles. Some nights the only thing left to do is pass out from sheer exhaustion and some nights you just want to steal all of the snuggles and stare at them while they are sleeping because you know those snuggle days are numbered. You sleep when you can and then you wake up to the faces of the little people who challenge every ounce of your being and fill your heart with a love that has no chance of description. So you roll out of bed, try to pay no attention to the amount of sleep you got and you do it all again...because doing it all is what you do.
So you do the things, take care of the lists, fix the problems and wipe the tears. You laugh a little, cry a little, you take it all in and you struggle with the push and pull of being so very grateful for all of the moments and so very overwhelmed at how fast it all goes. Sometimes I look at my kids and I don't even know how we all got to that very moment.
I look at them through tired eyes. When life has kept me awake and I wish they would consider a nap, when everyone is sick for months on end and sleep is an afterthought, when the only time to get anything done is after everyone else is finally asleep...I look at them through the most tired eyes I have ever had.
I look at them through the proudest eyes. Through the eyes of a parent who watched the first step and who was there to see the accomplished smile on the happiest face after the perfect play. Through the eyes of a parent watching her two year old carry his dinner plate to the kitchen without being asked, or the one watching homework become easier as the focus starts to finally take over, or the one who watches scribbles turn into actual drawings...I look at them with more pride than I ever knew was possible.
I look at them through confused eyes. I wonder why they have to carry the jelly beans around all day even though I said we weren't eating jelly beans, why they have to always have a cup that is no less than 3/4 full, why they can't play in their Little Tikes Pickup Truck unless there is chalk in the back or why they like to talk about their farts. I try to understand why they have to have things exactly one way today and will hate that way tomorrow or why the word poop is so funny...I stare at them in a state of confusion fairly regularly.
I look at them with frazzled eyes. When I've overthought the most simple thing and I've missed an obvious cue. When I've forgotten to check the backpack after a long day of work, when it's 11 a.m. and they haven't had breakfast, when I can't seem to call them the right name or when they have zero clean pants...I look at them and wonder if they know where my sanity went or if they even know I lost it.
I look at them through the eyes of a parent who can't remember if it is bath night but can tell you the exact time they were born. I look at them through the most grateful eyes, the most worried eyes and the most in love eyes ever opened. With eyes that never knew they would see so much of the world in one tiny being, I look at them and I want to go back to the beginning and do it again, I want to freeze time and keep them this way forever and I want to look ahead and imagine how they will be as they grow.
Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done...but it's given me the opportunity to see it all in a way that I'll forever be thankful for.
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